Maintaining
By Pixelgoddess

Warnings: Yaoi, Yuri. Smut. Violence, rape, angst, sap. A Goku that started out cheerful, but is now as angst-filled as Vegeta. A nice dyke Chichi.
Pairings: Goku/Vegeta, Radditz/Vegeta, Chichi/OC. (Okay, okay, I don't like original characters either, but I think you will forgive me. Besides, she won't mess with your favorite Saiyans at all.) Maybe some other pairs if the mood strikes me.
Summary: Vegeta's life has begun to fall apart, his control slipping away. Will Goku be able to help him hold on, or will he become another victim of Vegeta's past? Yaoi - G/V, R/V, Yuri - CC/OC
Disclaimer: Of course I don't own them. Honestly. How could you think that? I am a goddess, not an extremely wealthy Japanese man.

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Chapter 29 - Knots

Goku's chest rumbled soothingly as he slowly massaged the painful knots out of his prince's back.

They had sparred for hours, Goku careful to keep his ki at the same level as Vegeta, slowly raising it, forcing his prince's to go higher to keep up. They finally took a break, breathless and sweating, collapsing side by side on the grass. Goku had glanced over and saw the tension in Vegeta's face, and through their bond realized that Vegeta was in pain, his back throbbing.

It took only a few minutes - Vegeta was amazingly easy to convince - before he IT'd them back home. Vegeta had allowed himself to be carefully undressed - Goku wincing when he felt the spears of pain every time he moved. He carefully kneaded ki-heated oil over muscles, trying to loosen them, easing the pressure.

"Vegeta, I wish you had told me I was hurting you. I would have stopped."

Vegeta purred and wrapped his tail around his arm.

"You didn't do this, Kakarott. It is an old injury - Zarbon did it...I've had it since I was a child."

Goku was surprised - he could feel how much agony Vegeta was in. He was moving through force of will alone. If he had carried these scars since he was a child he had lived in physical pain most of his life.

"Why did he...?" he asked quietly.

"Because he was a sadistic bastard who wanted to see how much pain I could take while he carved his name in my back and tail with ki. He made sure Radditz wasn't around when he did it - by the time he returned and got me to the tanks it was too late to heal everything. It took me years, but I finally killed him for it."

Goku was surprised Vegeta had told him so much - he could feel the anger buried below the words. Knowing Vegeta, he doubted he had ever told anyone the whole truth.

"Maybe we can get Dende to fix it," he softly suggested.

Vegeta chuckled darkly. "I don't think so, Kakarott. He has healed me before - and nothing changed. I've learned to live with it."

"We could ask," Goku insisted as he pressed his thumb over a particularly bad area, making Vegeta groan.

"No Kakarott."

Goku heard the finality of Vegeta's decision and questioned what caused it. He tried to read Vegeta through their bond - he was still learning - and saw the Lookout and felt the memory of pain. He remembered how long it had taken him to heal when they had been burned. Piccolo's answer had seemed evasive, but he hadn't pursued it then. Was it possible that Dende had done something...?

"Leave him alone, Kakarott. He is a foolish child."

Goku heard himself growling in anger - how dare anyone hurt his prince?

"Kakarott, don't."

Goku realized what he was doing and bit back the sound.

"What happened?"

"The brat decided I didn't deserve his effort. GodS know he has plenty of reasons for hating me - I destroyed an entire village, after all. I'm just surprised he took so long to act on it. Let it go, Kakarott - he did finally heal me."

Goku was conflicted and didn't know how to react. He was proud of his prince for being so forgiving. But more than that, he was sad and angry that Dende had violated his trust. He was still a child...with a huge responsibility on his shoulders.

"Does Piccolo know?" he finally asked.

"Yes. I asked the Namek not to tell you."

"Why?"

"What would you have done, Kakarott? The damage had been done - it couldn't be undone. I had been watching you - in that short time you had already gotten possessive and protective of me."

Goku was surprised at this change in Vegeta. In the past the prince would have destroyed the Lookout and everyone on it for this betrayal. Goku would have been the one trying to calm him down. Now their roles were reversed - and he wanted to rip the little Namek into tiny shreds.

"NO," Vegeta commanded.

"But..."

"Kakarott, if you had found out then you would have killed him. In the past I would have done the same. But Kakarott, I don't want you making the same mistakes I made - I don't want you to know the guilt of having his blood on your hands.

"Besides, if he is dead he can't learn - and the dragonballs would be gone."

Goku was silent as he continued to smooth oil over his prince's back. He didn't understand why he was reacting like this. Was this swap because of their bond? Was it permanent? Vegeta had forgiven Dende - and he would too if that is what his prince wanted...

Vegeta purred with contentment as strong hands worked at loosening his painfully tight muscles. He could feel his companion's confusion at his reaction - and wondered himself at his own response. But he had known how upset Kakarott would have been if he had killed the brat - even if he understood why. But this was part of the price of being with Kakarott - not changing who he was...Kakarott would not want him to do that - but considering how his actions would affect his companion.

He didn't regret choosing Kakarott - he had lived his entire life having no one but himself to rely on. Because of their status, even Radditz had his limits. Now he could trust Kakarott with his life - and he did - otherwise this comfort he was getting wouldn't be possible. It would have been unthinkable to expose himself like this to anyone but Kakarott or Radditz.

He wondered if he could ever learn to love Kakarott. His companion certainly deserved it, but he really wasn't sure what it was. He cared about Kakarott - about what he thought and felt. But was it love? He knew sex wasn't love - and Kakarott would have felt the same about him even without sex. He could feel Kakarott's affection every time he looked at him.

The word existed in Saiyan society, but Vegeta was sure it didn't mean the same thing it meant to Kakarott. Couples would form, split, re-form with others - all in the name of something called love or lust or affection. Children from these unions were sometimes shared between the parents, or else traded to each other for goods and property. He wondered - if they loved each other so much, why couldn't they stay together?

He didn't always feel like this - he remembered as a child hoping he would find someone who he could love. His time with Frieza had killed that hope - he knew he was now afraid of becoming too attached to anyone. He was afraid of what would occur...afraid of something terrible happening and he would lose them too. He had nightmares filled with violence, his hands covered in the blood of those he cared about. It wasn't logical, he knew, but maybe if he didn't let them know how much he treasured them they would be safe.

Even more confusing was the voice. The past two days, whenever Kakarott wasn't around, it practically shouted at him, telling him he was a fool, that he should admit, at least to himself, that he loved him. Maybe someday - when he was ready - but he wasn't going to let the idiot voice shove him where he wasn't prepared to go yet. He was content now just having Kakarott as his companion.

He felt his muscles loosening as his slipped into a relaxed, dozy state. Kakarott's hands worked their magic, easing away the pain in his aching back. He must be using their bond, because he was finding knots that Radditz had never found.

"Kakarott," he finally said, "It has been two days and you still haven't asked about your brother."

Goku grinned. He could feel how relaxed his prince was, and could also feel his concern over his feelings. Now that he realized how strong their bond was he could wait - Vegeta accepted him and he was happy.

"That's because I'm not jealous of him anymore. I didn't understand before. But I do want to know more about him."

Vegeta chuckled and shifted under his hands. Goku purred when his chestnut tail coiled and ruffled around his wrist and arm.

"Like what?" Vegeta purred in response.

"Well..." Goku considered. "What was he like when you weren't on missions? What did he do in his spare time? Did he like having all that hair?"

Vegeta laughed out loud at the last question.

"No Kakarott, he really didn't like that hair. It got in the way during fights. But I liked it. He had gotten hurt in a fight because of his mane - planned to shave it off like Nappa. I went ballistic - threatened to command him not to cut it." He smirked at the memories. "It made a useful hand-hold. I like hair."

"I've noticed," Goku grinned.

"Spare time...hmmm...he liked to read. Mostly history," Vegeta chuckled. "Always got his dates wrong though. He could tell you about an event in great detail - remember names, places, political motivess...but he never got the year right. And it wasn't a case of a few years off - it was usually decades, or even centuries. He used to tell me what he had read - closest thing I ever had to bedtime stories. I've told some of them to the brats."

Vegeta sighed. "He was eager for me to become king. Told me straight out - didn't try to hide it. He wanted me to change Saiyan culture. Despised the way we treated our children. You should have seen him when he learned about you being sent away. Screamed into the communicator at anyone he could reach - wanted you brought back. I'm glad now he didn't succeed. But I let him try.

"He had a theory. His confusion with years made it hard for him to convince anyone, but I believed him. Basically a previous ruler had decided we had waited too long for a Super Saiyan, and the reason there hadn't been one was because we were supporting the weak to the detriment of the strong. It became survival of the fittest to its horrible, logical conclusion. Radditz thought we were destroying ourselves, throwing away our most valuable resource. You are living, breathing proof he was right."

Vegeta was silent, remembering Radditz' rage. He had finally stormed out of the communications room and nearly blasted the doors off the training room where they sparred. Vegeta had been wearing his scouter the entire time, listening on their private channel, and had seen his ki spiking. By the time he got to the training room, Radditz had killed the two soldiers who had been sparring there. He finally realized what he had done - Frieza would have him killed for this - and stared at the prince in horrified shock. Vegeta was permitted the occasional death during sparring - with punishment of course - but Radditz was nothing but a guard.

Vegeta had moved immediately, making sure he flipped his scouter channel open for the monitors, hitting Radditz and shouting at him. 'You are just my bodyguard! How dare you try to keep me from killing these weaklings? They are dirt! If you care about this garbage so much why don't you join them! Do you want me to kill you too?' He continued to punch and kick him, knowing this was the only way to save him. He waited to knock him out, calling him a weak bastard, until Zarbon entered the room.

He had turned on the lizard's green-haired pet and glared at him. This performance wouldn't work without his anger and ego. Zarbon had smirked at him, taking in the blood and bodies - Frieza would discipline him for this behavior. 'Fine,' he had growled. 'You two assholes,' he grabbed the guards with Zarbon, 'dump my guard in his quarters and lock him in.' Once he had done everything he could to protect Radditz he stormed out of the room, leading the way to Frieza's chambers, forcing the braided bastard to rush to catch up.

The beating wasn't as bad as it could have been - only took a few hours in the tank to recover. Radditz on the other hand...he couldn't go in a tank because he was being punished - and Vegeta had hit him harder than he intended. Radditz had suffered in silence; ashamed his outburst had caused the prince pain.

Goku's hands went still as Vegeta let him feel this memory. This was a side of his prince he never would have expected - even as a child he was noble...he took his brother's punishment for him. And his brother was so upset even though he had never seen him...

"We...we could use the dragonballs..." he whispered.

Vegeta sat up and looked at the unhappy eyes of his companion.

"No Kakarott," he said, stroking his cheek. "It has been too long. He has moved on - or come back as someone else. Who knows? Maybe his soul is in your youngest. He is close to Trunks. Bardock's spawn always seem to have extreme loyalty to their prince."

Goku made a sad smile.

"Before Buu I considered wishing Trunks - and your brats - immortal," Vegeta finally said.

"But I thought...?" Goku began. That had been Vegeta's goal when he first learned of the dragonballs - but now?

"Not for me, Kakarott. But...did you know you were the only Saiyan not sent to hell? Except for our brats? When the planet was destroyed they all went there - even the children. Apparently it was decided they deserved punishment just because they made the mistake of being born Saiyan. The gods treated us the same as Frieza - if we don't value our children, why should they?"

"That...that's horrible...how could they?" Goku struggled to remember even one Saiyan he had met in Otherworld. Even the King of the Demons went to Otherworld. But children? Like Trunks and Goten? Exposed to the monsters he knew were there? He shuddered - he had never considered that possibility.. If he had, he would have handled Buu differently.

"You didn't know, Kakarott. I knew for years, but I didn't tell you. When I finally realized how strong Buu was I was willing to die to protect my son from that torture."

"And Frieza was able to hurt you again because of it," Goku murmured, turning his head to kiss the palm that was still against his cheek.

"I will recover, Kakarott. He keeps trying to break me, but I will not let him. And he will not touch my son - the gods have decided he is worthy of going to Otherworld. As long as that does not change, I will not fight them."

Goku's chest hurt, he couldn't breathe - he hadn't thought it was possible for him to love his prince any more. Every time Vegeta spoke he revealed more honor, more greatness than he could have imagined. He sacrificed so much for people he cared about. How could anyone say he was bad?

Vegeta chuckled and threaded his fingers through Kakarott's hair. "Get me off that damned pedestal, Kakarott. Yes, I will do anything to protect my family. But I have also killed just for the pleasure of it - to hear the sound of bones breaking and to smell their blood."

"Not anymore," Kakarott answered him with a grin. "The Prince of the Saiyans has become a sentimental mush."

Vegeta growled in amusement at the taunt and buried both hands in his companion's spikes, grabbing fists full of hair and pulling him down to eye level. "That's only because you are a sentimental sap and you are rubbing off on me through this damned bond."

He smirked as Kakarott began to purr at him, coiling his tail around his thigh.

"I know. Isn't it great?"

Vegeta growled and attacked his lips, pushing his companion back on the bed, driving his tongue into his mouth, grinding their teeth together.

He drew away and began sucking and kissing Kakarott's neck, licking away the sweat. "I doubt it will last - but if that is what it takes to keep you, I will learn to adapt."

Goku bit back a groan of pleasure and stopped his prince from devouring him, making black eyes meet his.

"I'll bet I find it easier than you do learning to resist the urge to kill everything that pisses you off," Vegeta said with a smirk.

"I would never..." he protested.

"We'll see," Vegeta answered, crushing their mouths together.

TBC
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