Maintaining
By Pixelgoddess
Warnings: Yaoi, Yuri. Smut. Violence, rape, angst, sap. A Goku that started out cheerful,
but is now as angst-filled as Vegeta. A nice dyke Chichi.
Pairings: Goku/Vegeta, Radditz/Vegeta, Chichi/OC. (Okay, okay, I don't like original
characters either, but I think you will forgive me. Besides, she won't mess with your
favorite Saiyans at all.) Maybe some other pairs if the mood strikes me.
Summary: Vegeta's life has begun to fall apart, his control slipping away. Will Goku be
able to help him hold on, or will he become another victim of Vegeta's past? Yaoi - G/V,
R/V, Yuri - CC/OC
Disclaimer: Of course I don't own them. Honestly. How could you think that? I am a
goddess, not an extremely wealthy Japanese man.
Chapter 37 - Memory
Vegeta sat, trying to meditate, struggling to keep some semblance of control. Kakarott
would return soon and he didn't want his companion to be as traumatized as he had been by
what he had learned today. He had to protect Kakarott, no matter what the effort cost him.
"Hey, I'm back!"
He looked up as his companion reappeared, a totally artificial smile plastered on his
face. "What happened, Kakorr?" ::I know you are upset.::
He watched the smile fade and waited as Kakarott sunk down tiredly, lying on the bed
beside him.
"I almost killed Krillen. I would have if Piccolo hadn't stopped me."
Shit. Kakarott had thought he was joking, but he was serious when he warned him about that
urge. It had taken him years to get it under control - Kakarott didn't know how to deal
with it because he didn't know where it came from.
"What did he do?" he asked quietly. His companion's tail was swishing beside
him, agitation obvious in its movements. Vegeta curled his hand around it, gently holding
it, stroking the dark fur. He began to slide his fingers through, soothing, purring to
calm him down.
He didn't comment as Kakarott told him what had happened, only speaking to encourage him
to go on. Kakarott was confused and distraught over how he had behaved. He wasn't used to
feeling anger like that - a helpless fury that Vegeta had lived with nearly his entire
life. He wanted to swear in frustration - even when he wasn't there he was hurting his
companion. He should have gone with him. Kakarott had needed him and he wasn't there for
him.
Of course, he thought bitterly, his own discovery hadn't made it any easier - and probably
made things worse. As soon as he realized what he was doing to Kakarott he shielded him as
much as possible, blocking as much of their bond as he could. From the sounds of it
though, he hadn't been in time - his influence had driven Kakarott to unaccustomed
violence. His companion hadn't learned control - he was so happy with their bond he was
walking around wide open. He didn't know how to protect himself or Vegeta.
Poor Kakorr...he was getting the shitty side of their bond and either didn't realize it or
didn't care. Vegeta was benefiting by experiencing happiness, caring...hell, he was
turning into a sentimental sap. His companion gave him everything he had ever wanted -
affection, friendship, trust, love - without reserve. And Vegeta was giving him doubt,
anger, hatred, fear and confusion. Kakarott was meant to be happy, but he was so worried
about him it had become nearly impossible. He didn't know how to make things better for
his companion.
"What's wrong with me, Vegeta? I've never done anything like that before."
"I'm sorry, Kakorr. I think it is my fault," Vegeta said, lying down beside him,
pulling him close, arm around a slim waist. He had hoped for his companion's sake that he
could eventually reconcile with the monk - but today's events had surely destroyed that
chance.
"You weren't even there. How can it be your fault?"
He sighed. "I think it's because of the fusion, Kakorr. Maybe Saiyans aren't meant to
bond that way. You keep picking up some of my very worst qualities - and you aren't used
to dealing with them. I don't think it is good for you," he said sadly, fingers
brushing over Kakarott's cheek.
"But I like being bonded to you," Kakarott protested, looking at him with
unhappy dark eyes.
"Maybe...maybe a different type wouldn't do this to you. You've never experienced
anything like it before. But I don't know how to create anything but a pack bond - and I
don't think it would be strong enough to help," he said regretfully. Vegeta wished
yet again he knew more about making and breaking bonds.
"You...you...don't want...you...regret...?"
Vegeta heard the hurt in his companion's voice and hated himself for causing it.
"No Kakorr, I do not regret being bonded to you. I'm just sorry at how it is
affecting you. I never knew our bond would hurt you like this." If he had known,
would he have resisted it? The person he used to be probably wouldn't have cared about the
pain he caused Kakarott. Vegeta doubted he would have survived without it. He would have
been trapped in hell for a meaningless forever, tortured by the lizard, wishing for a
death that would never come.
"I'm not sorry." Kakorr was watching him with brown eyes, his warrior's
determination rising, making him serious. "If you can adjust Vegeta, so can I. I can
learn."
"Kakorr, I..."
"I'm not sorry we are bonded - I don't care what kind. I told you the first time we
made love I'll be happy with whatever you can give. These...changes...they just feel like
you giving me parts of you. I don't want to give them up."
"All right Kakorr, we will see if something can be done," Vegeta said tiredly.
He continued to hold his companion, stroking his hair, lost in thought. Kakarott's voice
brought him back.
"Vegeta - what's wrong? What happened while I was gone?" Kakarott's arms were
around him, rubbing his back, careful to keep his hands away from the damned scar.
Vegeta had considered not telling Kakarott what he had discovered today. He didn't want
him to be unhappy, and he knew he would be when he learned how bad things really were.
"Please Vegeta, you're blocking so much right now. Why? Is it because of me? Because
of today?"
"No Kakorr - it's just....no." He stared at his companion. Kakarott was studying
him with intense brown eyes, as if he could tear the secret free with his gaze.
"Then why? Tell me. Please. It...hurts...when you block me like this. I feel...
empty... without you."
::GodS - were they really that close?:: "I'm..." ::I'm afraid.::
"...Kakorr." He was addicted to Kakarott, so his warmth, to his unconditional
love, to the security he provided. But just by staying he was exposing Kakorr to so many
dangers...
"Let me..." He closed his eyes at Kakarott's soft voice, warm breath on his
face, fingers brushing his cheek.
Vegeta opened his eyes to study his companion's trusting expression. He made a resigned
sigh, and then took a deep breath, before slowly, carefully lowering the barriers he had
erected to protect Kakarott. Brown eyes widened as his hopeless terror broke free.
"Vegeta? What happened?" He could feel Kakarott's confusion - he didn't get
Vegeta's memories, just his sense of defeat.
"There was a recording - in the Gravity Room. I...I saw what happened - when..."
-o-o-o-o-o-
Once the woman left, he had returned to the Gravity Room and just stared at the controls.
There might be a recording of what had happened to him - he might actually get an answer
to his blackouts. He stood there for several minutes, afraid of what he would see. He had
finally cursed at himself for being a coward and started the playback.
He remembered the beginning - he was training, going through some basic warm-ups, trying
to build up his strength and stamina. He could tell when the voice started hammering at
him - he faltered at some attacks before finally stopping completely.
He wished there were sound - it looked like he was answering the voice out loud. He could
see his lips moving. He hadn't realized he had started doing that. But the voice had
gotten so loud, that seemed to be the only way he could be heard. His eyes were wild and
he was turning around as if he was trying to see where the voice was.
At one point he was directly facing a camera and he could almost read what he said...
"NO FUCKING WAY! I will destroy that lizard next time. I will never belong to that
freak."
He remembered that...and he remembered what the voice said in response...
He started keening, fear burning through him. He didn't - couldn't - stop. His nails dug
into the skin, trying to remove that mark, the taint, that Frieza had left on him. He
could feel the blood coating his hand, and still he didn't stop.
He would rip out bone and muscle to rid himself of this evil. He wasn't Frieza, he
couldn't be Frieza...oh GodS, don't let him be Frieza!
How deep were his fingers? He ignored the blood and the pain and pressed deeper, his arm
twisted at an impossible angle. Close - he knew he was close. More...just a little more.
Goku awoke to the scent of blood and fear. He searched desperately for its source and saw
Vegeta. His prince was on his knees, whimpering in pain and terror. His fingers were
buried deep in his shoulder as he desperately tried to dig out the source of his
nightmare.
Vegeta was wild-eyed, staring at nothing Goku could see. He tried to capture Vegeta's
hand, pull it away, but somehow the prince was pouring all of his ki into that limb. He
would have to ascend and force it away - possibly hurting him more. Vegeta had been trying
to block him, but the instant Goku touched him that barrier fell. He could hear Vegeta's
desperate thoughts - and the voice ordering him to stop. ::Close. Just a little more.
Then I'll be free.:: Goku growled in frustration. Vegeta was engaged in some
nightmarish mission to remove all trace of Frieza. Vegeta couldn't hear him - wasn't even
listening to the voice. The voice was furious, it's shouts deafening. He tried to reach
Vegeta through their bond. He didn't waste time to be surprised at how easy it was for him
to enter Vegeta's mind. He was one with his prince - and when Vegeta touched something and
screamed, agony lancing up his spine, Vegeta's memories and images flooded into his brain.
----------
oooooooo
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Dodoria carried him tucked under one arm. Carried him - like a sack of meat. He was
a prince, damn it, and demanded respect!
"Knock it off brat. Lord Frieza wants to see you."
"Put me down, you fucking blob!" Vegeta cursed and managed to pinpoint a
ki-blast into the back of Dodoria's hand, making him drop him. He smirked with
satisfaction before the pink soldier kicked him, sending him sailing until he landed in a
crumpled heap at Frieza's feet.
Frieza smirked down at him. Vegeta couldn't tear his eyes away from the blood-red stare.
"Dodoria," the lizard purred, "Are you having problems dealing with one
stunted monkey child? If you are, maybe we could find you some less...strenuous
...duty."
Vegeta's tail twitched once before he could control it. Dodoria was going to be pissed at
him for getting him in trouble with Frieza - he would have to be on his guard.
"There was no problem, my lord," Dodoria said bowing.
"You are dismissed Dodoria - but no going to medical to get that taken care of. Next
time you will remember that the monkey is vicious."
Vegeta smirked as Frieza crossed the room to his throne. Dodoria might get revenge, but it
was worth it to see the expression on the blob's face. He swore the bastard was going to
shit himself at Freiza's veiled threat.
"Come here, my little monkey prince," Frieza commanded.
Vegeta gritted his teeth in annoyance at the name, but obeyed the lizard and approached
the throne.
"Come, kneel before me princeling."
He had schooled himself not to react to the bastard's taunts, but it was hard, especially
when he knew this was how some of the worst beatings started. Radditz had tried to teach
him these weren't his fault - he hadn't done anything wrong - but still his list of
current deeds and misdeeds ran through his mind.
He met Frieza's eyes, refusing to look down like the lizard wanted. The thick tail wrapped
around his neck and he bit back a growl.
"Pet, I have only owned you for a few years..."
"You don't own me," he snapped.
"Poor little monkey. You just don't understand, do you? Your father didn't want you -
he gave you to me. I have great plans for you, pet. I can put you in command of armies of
followers - all you have to do is swear your loyalty to me."
"I am the Prince of all Saiyans - I will not swear loyalty to you," Vegeta
snarled, struggling to pull the noose free.
Frieza chuckled and tightened his tail, making each breath an effort.
"All Saiyans? How amusing. Little monkey - there are only three of you left. Not much
of a kingdom is it? You will never get enough strength from those two to resist me. I am
offering you power, princeling - you will never get it any other way."
"I will - I will destroy you some day," he gasped.
"Such a fiery little monkey - but you have become more difficult to deal with. I find
I must leash you."
Vegeta froze. Leash him? He had heard about the ki collars that Frieza's scientists had
created. If the lizard put one of those on him he would have no chance of getting strong
enough to kill Frieza.
Frieza must have seen the fear that flashed through his eyes.
"Poor monkey. So easily frightened. No, no pet. I would not collar you," Frieza
purred. "I like it when you fight and squirm - so entertaining. I just want to make
sure I can keep some control over you."
"You can't control me," he panted. Frieza's tail was choking him. He felt
himself going limp, vision grey with two bright red beams watching him, laughing. ::Radditz,
help me...::
He couldn't resist the lizard - he was too strong for a child to fight. This was good - he
could rest, he wouldn't have to hurt anymore... ::I'm sorry, Rad-::
He was snapped back to awareness by excruciating agony, starting in his shoulder, blazing
down his spine to the tip of his tail, coursing up and searing his brain. He screamed,
wanting to get away, wanting to pass out, wanting to die. But Frieza wouldn't let him - he
felt him twisting something deep inside of him, not letting him escape this torture.
He wasn't sure if he passed out - he couldn't remember. All he recalled was finding
himself on his hands and knees, shaking and whimpering, his entire body on fire.
"Yes Zarbon, you were right. Saiyan biology is a wonderful thing - all those lovely
nerve centers. It's a wonder the monkeys survived as long as they did with these foolish
bonding methods. So easy to take advantage of..."
Zarbon strode over and hauled him to his feet, studying his dazed eyes.
"Won't his bodyguard notice?"
"He won't be back for several days - My control will be firmly in place before
then."
Zarbon dropped him, making him cry out at the pain.
"What did...what did you do to me?" he asked, struggling to keep from erupting
in anguished sobs.
"I told you pet - I needed some control over you. This lets me watch you, talk to you
- take over if it looks like you are gettinng into trouble."
He reached over his shoulder, trying to reach the origin of the ache, intending to pull
out whatever it was.
Zarbon grinned. "That's not a good idea, brat."
Vegeta ignored him and dug at the wound, only to be overwhelmed by the same dizzying
agony.
"Told you," Zarbon laughed.
"Bastard," Vegeta hissed, trying to regain control of his breathing. "I
will not be your puppet."
"It's no good trying, Vegeta," Frieza cooed, watching him with hungry eyes.
"You'll never be able to remove it. It's already started attaching itself to your
spinal cord - another hour and it will be a permanent part of you."
"You sick fucking lizard!"
Frieza smiled and Vegeta couldn't help himself - he shivered. "Little monkey - you
haven't seen sick and depraved yet - you will soon enough. You will learn - you belong to
me - and only me."
"Bullshit! I will fight you."
"Perhaps little monkey, perhaps. It will be entertaining to leave you with enough
free will to think you can fight me. I will let you run loose for now - I have plans for
you...I might let you get strong enough to ascend like those foolish legends. You would
make a very pretty pet as a Super Saiyan. But you will never be one without me."
"I will. I'll get stronger. I'll destroy you!"
Frieza erupted out of his seat, appearing instantly before him. Vegeta couldn't move as
the lizard's fist slammed into him, throwing him across the room.
"No monkey. I will break you. I will crush you. You are bonded to me now - I am your
master, and your weak Saiyan mind will keep you from being any type of threat to me. I own
you Vegeta. You are my slave, my pet, my Saiyan."
Frieza left him there, bleeding and barely conscious, and started to leave the room.
"Come Zarbon - let's see what creatures we have in the pens. I feel the need to
torture someone. I feel generous today - perhaps one for you?"
"Thank you Lord Frieza." Zarbon hesitated. "Master, if I may ask a
question?" He continued at the lizard's nod. "Since he knows about it - won't he
resist? He has excellent mental control for a child."
"In a few minutes, he won't remember any of this - he will pass out, and when he
wakes up all he will know is that some time has passed."
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oooooooo
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::I'm never going to escape from Frieza. He owns me - living or dead.::
Vegeta returned to the present, curled up and twitching, fingers still buried deep in his
shoulder. He was numb and unresisting as Kakorr carried him to the bed and gave him a
Senzu. He watched Kakorr's tears as he cleaned the blood from his hands and knew that he
had relived the entire horrific memory through their bond.
Kakorr was speaking - something about everything being all right, but he knew it wasn't
true. It wasn't possible. He couldn't escape.
He was suddenly afraid Frieza could reach his companion through their bond. What was he
going to do? How was he going to protect Kakorr? Those rings he had attached to the
gravity room - he knew what they were for. He had been chained to them often enough by
Frieza - chained, ki-restrained, beaten, tortured...he whimpered... raped...
Vegeta nearly vibrated with the horror he felt. Somehow...somehow Frieza would get to
Kakorr through him. The lizard was a monster - he would destroy Kakorr - his darkness
would smother that beautiful light. The closer Vegeta was to him, the more danger he was
in. Kakorr had no defenses against someone that evil.
He looked down - Kakorr was kneeling in front of him, arms around his waist, head in his
lap. He distractedly ran his fingers through the dark hair. Kakorr was weeping; he could
feel the moisture on his leg.
What had he done those other times he was under the lizard's control? He had no doubt now
that Frieza could control him from hell, but why? How many times - what was the purpose?
Didn't they have enough problems? Why now? Why...?
He counted the times again - and then he knew - knew exactly what he had done with a
certainty that sent ice up his spine. Oh GodS! No...please...no... He had put Kakorr in
danger. What should he do to protect his companion? How could he keep Kakarott safe from him?
Vegeta ignored the tears running down his face, dripping into his companion's black hair.
He had to get away from Kakorr. It was the only way to save him.
He had to leave Kakorr - because he loved him.
TBC