Maintaining
By Pixelgoddess

Warnings: Yaoi, Yuri. Smut. Violence, rape, angst, sap. A Goku that started out cheerful, but is now as angst-filled as Vegeta. A nice dyke Chichi.
Pairings: Goku/Vegeta, Radditz/Vegeta, Chichi/OC. (Okay, okay, I don't like original characters either, but I think you will forgive me. Besides, she won't mess with your favorite Saiyans at all.) Maybe some other pairs if the mood strikes me.
Summary: Vegeta's life has begun to fall apart, his control slipping away. Will Goku be able to help him hold on, or will he become another victim of Vegeta's past? Yaoi - G/V, R/V, Yuri - CC/OC
Disclaimer: Of course I don't own them. Honestly. How could you think that? I am a goddess, not an extremely wealthy Japanese man.

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This chapter is dedicated to debbiechan, who became a yaoi convert AND has been waiting so patiently for IT to happen.

Chapter 45 - Belonging

Goku sat on the ground in front of the Gravity Room, watching Vegeta train. Neither one of them had entered the room, or even mentioned it, in the month since they had returned from The Lookout. It sat, damaged, unused, a daily reminder of what had happened.

Vegeta was still depressed - Goku was sure he would be for a long time - but he had some good days. At least there wasn't the constant fear that the prince would kill himself.

He wanted to spar with Vegeta, to test his strength at his new level - and to get another look at the feral beauty of his prince at level three. Vegeta had refused. He would train, perform his katas, spar with Piccolo, but Vegeta refused to lay a hand on him.

He sighed, tail thumping in frustration. Vegeta was wearing his gloves again. He had stopped around the time Goku had told him about Krillin. At the time he had hardly noticed - he didn't understand the significance of Vegeta removing them. Vegeta had been so determined to take care of him and comfort him then - he had marveled at how soft his prince's hands were. His own were rough and calloused from years of fighting bare handed.

He understood now - now that the barrier was back. The gloves, Vegeta's customary arrogant behavior...they served as protection against the world, against the hurt contact could cause. Frieza had frightened his prince, touching on the darkness he kept buried deep inside, and Vegeta was reacting in the only way he knew.

He closed his eyes and shook his head sadly. Vegeta had rebuilt his walls and Goku was blocked out. Blocked out and aching with loneliness, even though Vegeta was here with him all of the time. His prince didn't do it to hurt him, but to protect him from the evil Vegeta feared was inside him - not even realizing how much this so-called 'protection' was ripping Goku apart.

He got up and went into the kitchen, hoping that the ritual of food preparation would get his mind off his sorrow.

A month - an entire month without any contact initiated by his prince. Sure, he could touch Vegeta, and often did. Vegeta would gentle at his touch, purring in response, but even when he raised a gloved hand in return he would let it drop before making contact. Vegeta never returned his caresses, never kissed him. His prince would stare at him with need and hunger, but apparently willing to let himself starve.

They hadn't made love - Vegeta wouldn't even come to bed with him, choosing instead to spend the night in a chair, watching him sleep. He knew if he insisted, Vegeta would come to bed and give him his body out of guilt, letting himself be used. Goku would not do that to his prince, and was careful to never say anything that implied that was what he wanted.

Vegeta might be doing this to punish himself, but it was killing Goku.

He looked at the pile of sandwiches he made and realized he had no appetite. He shoved them in the refrigerator for the prince to eat later and headed for their room. He looked around, sad and lost. Maybe he should take a shower. He toed off his boots and took off his top, throwing it in the corner.

The bedroom was still somewhat singed, although the cleaning robots had done their best. Bulma had brought over their new improved house, but they hadn't cared. It still sat in its capsule, unused.

He walked over to the window and watched Vegeta continue to workout in the shadow of the Gravity Room.

He was so beautiful - even more so with the power that was radiating off of him. Goku closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair, imagining himself in Vegeta's arms, wrapped in his prince's fiery aura. He could smell the heat of his prince, taste the ki that was pouring over him.

He imagined soft hands touching him, stroking him, yellow ki dancing over his body... He groaned in frustration and stumbled to his feet. What was the point? Vegeta was afraid to touch him, afraid of what might happen.

He took his shower and fell into bed, emotionally exhausted, not caring that it was the middle of the day.

-------------

Vegeta pushed his ki up, reveling in the return of his former power. He knew he had Kakorr to thank for it, and wanted to demonstrate his control for him.

"Well Kakorr," he said, turning to his audience," What do you-?" He stopped. Kakorr wasn't there. He checked - in the house. Vegeta sighed and powered down.

This month had been hell. He thought the hours after Frieza's return had been bad, but later ones were worse. When he had realized what could have happened with Trunks he had lost it. He had shaken so much he thought his bones would break. His horrified cries turned to screams as he raged at the dead lizard, ki flaring wildly, threatening everyone around him. Kakorr could barely hold him then - they finally had to use ki bands to restrain him so Piccolo could knock him out.

He had sat in their darkened bedroom for days, staring out at the damned Gravity Room, not talking, not eating. Every time he dozed off in his chair he was haunted by nightmare visions of him raping and killing his beautiful son. Kakorr had held him while he trembled, reassuring him, surrounding him with his love.

He entered their room and sat in his chair, watching Kakorr's uneasy sleep.

Some things had gotten better, especially after they had gone to see Bulma. She complained bitterly when her studies of the invaders' ships was interrupted, and was furious at him when he refused to explain. She couldn't even get the information from Kakorr. The woman had finally glared at him and called him an arrogant asshole. Kakorr had growled at her then and she blinked in surprise before starting her tests. Bulma confirmed what Dende suspected. The chip was destroyed - burned out through feedback when he had successfully fought his 'master'. It wasn't safe to remove, but Frieza could no longer use it to control him.

The brainwashing was another problem, however. There was no way of knowing if it was still active or what had actually triggered it because the lizard may have lied. He might never know and could hurt someone he loved because of it. Because of that he refused to be alone with anyone but Kakorr or Piccolo. They were the only ones who knew what Frieza had done and the only ones who had a chance of protecting themselves if he became a monster again.

He raised his head at a sound from Kakorr and closed his eyes as he experienced his lover's dream. Kakorr tried to act like being raped hadn't affected him, but his nightmares betrayed him. He had relived it over and over the past month, but it was always Frieza attacking him - and Vegeta coming to his rescue... They had talked about it some - very little - but Vegeta had finally come to realize that was how Kakorr viewed that day. Frieza had tortured him and 'his Makoto' had saved him and no amount of argument could get him to change his mind.

He wanted to comfort Kakorr, but he didn't want to risk hurting him anymore. What if it happened again? Vegeta's tail flicked sadly as Kakorr's dream continued.

++"Vegeta. Help me," he pleaded, looking around, trying to peer into the shadows surrounding them, hoping for rescue. He had never been so weak and helpless in his life.

++Frieza laughed at him. "Why would he?" the lizard asked and thrust harder.

++"Because he loves me," he answered between his pained cries.

++Frieza made an amused chuckle and carved a line of ki down his back. He couldn't stand the pain and screamed.

Vegeta couldn't bear it anymore. He had felt so many of these dreams from Kakorr, and they seemed to be getting worse. He dropped to the bed beside him and stroked the wild spikes.

"Kakorr, it's alright. You are safe now," he said softly.

++A brilliant glow appeared before him and the lizard's weight was gone.

++"You are going to die," he said triumphantly to the lizard. "Vegeta is going to kill you."

++"It doesn't matter, monkey," Frieza said in icy tones. "It's too late for you. He doesn't want you anymore. You are garbage now."

"Kakorr, it's not true. Please wake up."

++Yellow ki washed over him, bathing him in its warmth. The lizard was gone and the burning prince stood before him.

++"Vegeta," he gasped, awestruck at his power. His prince would free him from these chains that weakened him.

++Vegeta knelt down before him and shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry Kakorr... Kakarott." The prince rose to his feet and stared down at him.

"No, no - you are my Kakorr." Why wouldn't he wake up? Tears were leaking from his love's closed eyes.

++"Sorry?" he asked, confused.

++"After this Kakarott..." Vegeta gestured, "I don't see how I can bring myself to love you anymore."

"I do love you, Kakorr," he insisted helplessly. Why couldn't he get into his dreams and show him? GodS! Kakorr was afraid - worried he didn't love him.

++"Vegeta, no. I love you," he pleaded as the prince turned away.

++"Please Vegeta...don't leave me like this," he cried as he was left alone in the darkening room, trapped and chained.

"Vegeta," Kakorr sobbed, still a prisoner of his nightmare.

"Shhh, Kakorr," he purred, petting the wild dark hair. "It's just a dream. I still love you - I won't leave you." He let his gloved hand fall away when fearful, haunted eyes opened.

"Vegeta?" he whispered.

"It was just a dream Kakorr. I'm not leaving you," he said softly. He cursed the lizard yet again - the anguish that monster caused never seemed to end.

Kakorr just whimpered and scrambled back until he was sitting curled up with his back pressed against the headboard. "Why?" he sobbed.

"Kakorr," he pleaded, frustrated. Kakorr was suffering, distraught, and he knew he was the cause. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his shaking lover in his arms and soothe away his fears, but he didn't want to risk hurting him more than he already had.

"Was I wr-wrong? Sh-should I have gotten angry?"

Vegeta was confused. He was getting nothing but Kakorr's suffering through their bond, and felt nothing but guilt over being the only one who had ever broken Kakorr like this.

"Should I have h-hit you? P-punished you?"

He reached a hand out, nearly touching the sculpted chest. He drew it back, but Kakorr captured it and pressed the covered palm against his cheek.

"If-if I blamed you, w-would you still love me?"

Kakorr's tears splashed against his glove and Kakorr let his own hand drop into his lap, releasing him. He drew his own away and looked at his lover in shock. Kakorr followed its escape with his eyes before curling his head down so his tears weren't visible.

"Kakorr, it was just a nightmare. It wasn't real. I never stopped loving you," he protested.

"Then why won't you touch me?"

Oh. He felt like he had been punched, the shock of that simple question hit him so hard. He had been so wrapped up in his own guilt and grief he had never once considered how much his protection of Kakorr would bother his lover. He had lived so much of his life without any real contact...but Kakorr thrived on it. Piccolo was right. He was an idiot.

"I want to, Kakorr...but I don't want to risk hurting you again," he said gently.

Brown, pain-filled eyes, shining with tears looked at him in hurt and confusion. "How could it be any worse than how I feel right now? Why did you save me?"

"I-"

"Please Vegeta. I feel like I'm dying without you."

He never thought his cheerful Kakorr could be this sad - he was always so happy, even when everyone else was miserable. He relied on it - counted on it. Had he been wrong? He had tried to shield Kakorr from his emotions, but by doing so he hadn't been able to feel everything his lover did.

Vegeta opened himself up, let himself really feel Kakorr, and felt a stab of guilt. How could he deliberately do this to his lover? This pain he had caused was worse than the rape - that had been quick and violent, but this had been slow torture by someone he trusted over hours and days. Now that he was aware, he couldn't do this to Kakorr any more.

He looked down at his hands in shame and began to remove his gloves. "I'm sorry Kakorr. I didn't know... I never thought..." He pushed down his fear, determined to do whatever it took to make Kakorr happy again. He made his decision and he would stand by it, no matter how difficult. He would not let Kakorr feel unloved again.

Kakorr was silent, hopeful, watching him. Gloves off, he reached out his hand, brushing it over the heated skin of his lover's chest, feeling Kakorr shivering at the touch. His fingers traced a path up, touching the cords in his neck, never breaking away from the brown pools that gazed at him with so much love.

"I am a fool Kakorr. I will not hurt you like this again."

He let his fingertips explore and learn the face of his lover - firm chin, strong cheekbones, soft eyes, tender lips. Kakorr was panting softly, eyes partly closed. He traced his thumb over the lips he had learned to love. They parted and Kakorr sighed.

"Vegeta."

Vegeta couldn't have stopped his purr if his life had depended upon it. One hand stayed on Kakorr's cheek, feeling his starved lover press against it. The other slid through soft black hair, catching between his fingers. He leaned close, gently touching his lips against Kakorr's. His lover immediately opened beneath him and he eased his tongue between parted teeth, tasting hesitantly as if this was their first time.

"Kakorr..." he purred when he finally had to breathe. Relief was flooding through him - he hadn't hurt Kakorr - he would not let it happen. Now that he had started, he couldn't stop touching the heated skin.

::Makoto - make love to me.::

Vegeta met heavily lidded eyes and hesitated for less than a heartbeat. He could not refuse Kakorr.

"No Vegeta - make love to me." ::I want to feel you inside of me.:: "I want to belong to you the way you belong to me."

He took a shaky breath and tried to calm his pounding heart. Why? Why would Kakorr want this? He wanted to - he had always wanted to - but the fear always stopped him. Then Radditz' words from their first time together came to mind - "I want to show you what it is supposed to be like - it should be a wonderful experience. I want you to have something good to remember..." If they did this - if it was as wonderful as his first time had been...maybe some of their nightmares would fade.

He rose to stand beside the bed. Kakorr just watched him, tail flicking in worry. He bent to pull his boots off, trying to calm himself. He could do this - he wanted to do this - he had to do this. He couldn't go through his entire life afraid - he couldn't give the lizard that control over Kakorr and himself. Kakorr was right - the worst had already happened.

He pulled off his shirt and threw it in the corner on top of Kakorr's with a grin. Fuck the lizard - he was going to make Kakorr happy. His tail twitched with pleasure when Kakorr gave him a shy smile.

"Are you - are you sure, Kakorr?" he said, removing the much too tight pants. "You don't..."

"I'm positive, Makoto," he responded, moving down until he was spread out over the sheets like a sculpture. "I want to be yours."

"Very well," he said with a smirk, tossing the lube on the bed. "Let's see what kind of sounds I can get out of you."

He claimed soft lips and Kakorr erupted in a happy purr - the sound alone was worth it. In all the times they had been together, had he ever dedicated himself entirely to Kakorr's pleasure - giving, not taking? He would now - he would show him what it was to be loved by his prince.

He tasted Kakorr's mouth, touching teeth and tongue, his lover gentle beneath him, sharing his heated breath, almost shyly returning the kiss. He slowly drew away, sucking at Kakorr's bottom lip, before bracing himself so he could stare down into bright brown eyes. Kakorr's mouth was moving as if he was speaking, but there was no sound. Instead, he could hear him in his head, repeating over and over like a mantra: ::Yours. Make me yours.::

He listened to the purr, felt Kakorr's chest vibrating against him where they touched. Kakorr's tail was thumping against the bed in pleasure until his own chestnut tail coiled around it. His tail bristled and puffed against the dark fur, making Kakorr writhe and emit little whimpering sounds.

How could he have let the lizard take this from him? Kakorr was his - his to pleasure and love. He would not hurt his beautiful lover again - he would not let it happen. He was stronger than the fucking lizard and his doctors, and he would stay in control.

He growled with delight at Kakorr's moans, not tearing his eyes away from his beautiful face. His hands skated over hard muscles, tracing over each sculpted line, making careful note of Kakorr's symphony of sounds. His palms pressed and rubbed against nipples, teasing them to hardness.

He touched every inch of Kakorr's body with nothing but his hands, making him thrust his hips for more, teasing him with tiny, carefully controlled sparks of ki until Kakorr was totally without voice, his attempts to say Makoto dissolving into a humming "Mmmm..."

Vegeta moved until he was sitting on the firm stomach, legs pressing against Kakorr's trembling ribs as he gasped for breath. He stared down at Kakorr's flushed face, his closed eyes and realized yet again what a fool he had been. Kakorr trusted him - always had - trusted and knew him better than he knew himself.

"You are mine, Kakorr," he purred.

::Always.::

He captured Kakorr's willing mouth again, sucking on his slippery tongue, sliding his own over Kakorr's teeth, swallowing his groans as well as his breath. His lover was a fire beneath him, scalding his lips and tongue as he rediscovered each sensitive area on his body. He could taste the Saiyan in Kakorr's scent, smell earth and forest in his ki. And it was his - his only. Kakorr was giving himself to him because he loved him, and he would give Kakorr everything he was.

He lost himself worshipping Kakorr's body, whimpering and purring along with him, no longer sure whose body he was using. He could feel himself trembling with need when he dipped his tongue into his navel, letting it follow the line down to the musky curls surrounding his cock.

He could feel it this time - was aware of the trembling division between Kakorr and himself. There were momentary flashes where his lips were wrapped impossibly around the head of his own cock; he was pressing his own hips against the bed, trying to keep from choking himself with his thrusts.

Then it would slip away again and he could hear Kakorr's heart beating, his chest heaving with great gulping breaths as he tried to get some kind of sound out that would express his ecstasy, but all that came out were wordless whimpers.

He was drunk on the scent and taste and feel of Kakorr. How had he survived this long without his beloved? His fingers gently rolled and played with Kakorr's heavy sacs. He dragged his tongue over the veins and ridges of his cock, breathing on the moisture before surrounding him again with his mouth. Kakorr was leaking and shaking as he tightened and Vegeta could feel how close Kakorr was to coming. He swallowed him whole, burying his nose in the musk of his beloved, growling his pleasure. Kakorr gave a wordless scream and he drank him hungrily, sucking and licking his panting lover until he was clean.

He crawled up until he was staring at lidded eyes and grinned.

"Catch your breath, Kakorr. There's more."

Kakorr stared at him bewildered, his mind not yet back in his body. He laughed, and then showed him a memory from his first time with Radditz.

"Catch your breath, brat. We haven't even started yet," Radditz chuckled, sitting back on his heels, his tail wafting through the air.

Vegeta struggled to open his eyes to stare at him in disbelief. "You mean there's more?"

Radditz nearly fell off the bed laughing.

Kakorr grinned at him and he let himself be trapped in a bone-crushing embrace while Kakorr covered him in messy, passionate kisses.

He gently slid out of Kakorr's arms and gazed at him, astounded he had found someone who could love him so much.

"Kakorr...," he said hesitantly. "Are you sure?"

"Yes." ::Yes.:: was the immediate answer. ::I'm not afraid. I want to belong to you.::

"As you wish," he said with a smile, bowing his head.

He retrieved the lube as he concentrated on maintaining control. He would not rush this; he would not hurt Kakorr, not even accidentally. He would not let the beast escape - Kakorr would be safe.

:: I love you my Makoto.::

Kakorr's tail was flicking in his face and he captured it with a smirk. Kakorr grinned at him and he sucked on the tip of it as he slid one finger into his entrance. Kakorr took a deep breath as he adjusted to the gentle invasion. He listened to his soft pants as he eased in a second finger. He pushed in, searching - Kakorr shuddered, a wave of ki flowing over his body.

Vegeta purred with pleasure at the reaction and let Kakorr's tail escape his mouth to thrash around them. He moved closer to Kakorr, licking the sweat that was pooling in the dip of his chest. He wanted to feel that liquid ki for himself and moaned as he pressed his fingers inside Kakorr and green ki washed over them both.

::Makoto...::

He slipped his hand away, making Kakorr moan a complaint at the sudden emptiness, and positioned the slicked head of his cock at Kakorr's entrance. He hesitated a moment, shaking, fighting for control, wanting to give him a chance to change his mind. All he could feel was Kakorr begging for more.

He sighed with pleasure as he slid into heat, Kakorr's ki flickering around them as he adjusted to the penetration. He trembled at the feeling, at the sudden completeness he felt. He drew back before gently returning to Kakorr's welcoming body. He pressed against Kakorr's center and they both groaned as the brilliant green ki washed over them.

He slid back in and matched the wave of ki with his own, the yellow cresting as the green dipped. A spinning ocean of ki, lapping against their bodies, soon surrounded them.

It was happening again - that strange fused/double body sensation - and he welcomed it. But this was different somehow - it wasn't just their bodies they were sharing - it was more. He could feel, he knew Kakorr's emotions, his mind, his thoughts - they were his own.

He was - he was...he stared into dark eyes. He didn't know which body was his. They both were. He...trust...pride...forgiveness...love...Makoto...Kakorr...which one? Which one was he? He loved Vegeta. He loved Kakorr. What was this? He felt split and joined at once - he didn't know...he was safe... he was protected... he was loved...

He was sliding into his own heat, surrounding himself with his kis, crying out one of his names as he came, shaking and trembling - he belonged - he belonged to someone at last.

"V-Ve-?" he said shakily, looking down at - no - he was Vegeta. "Kakorr? Are you alright?"

Kakorr made a lazy, contented smile, tail flicking. "I am now, Makoto. I belong to you."

"I belong to you?" he whispered to Kakorr, hoping.

"Always, my prince. We belong to each other - forever."

He smiled. Kakorr was his - he was Kakorr's. He would never be alone again.

END

Or is it?
Okay, I didn't deal with the brainwashing, the wedding, or *gasp* Saiyan mating. That is what the sequel is for. The next story is Quest, and posting should start in about a week - depends on how aggressive the muses are. I have a few plot details I have to work out - it didn't burst into my brain full-grown like this monster did. It has sort of been poking and prodding me, saying you can't possibly hope to get everything wrapped up and still keep readers. So...the bratty little story wins. I don't think it will be another epic - but then again, I never expected this one to be so long either. (It should actually be a bit more fun - I can't cope with this constant angst - it is making me depressed.)

Other notes - Yeah, the 'As you wish' line is lifted straight out of Princess Bride, but Goku is NOT Buttercup. Jeesh. *g*