Chapter Five: Hercule Shows Off For Candy

Two months later…

Roshi was very frustrated these days. Candy would still kiss and hug him, and even walk around in scanty lingerie for him, but she still put off having sex with him. She kept insisting firmly that they wait "a little while longer", despite Roshi's constant pleas for her to satisfy him. This time when he had begged her for sex, Candy had just laughed and kissed him.

"Don't worry, my Roshi, I won't put you off forever!" Candy promised him brightly. "I just feel that you and I should get to know each other just a little longer before the big deed. Sex should be special, you know, and I want my first time ever with you, well, with any man actually to be spectacular! I want bells and whistles to go off and sparks to fly!"

"They already do, Candy, they already do!" Roshi protested. "So why can't we light the flames, hmm?"

"Eventually we will, sweetheart, we will. But for now-I need to start on cleaning the bathrooms!"

"Candy, you've cleaned the bathrooms two hours ago!"

"I know, and Oolong just had to poop, and he didn't even bother to scrub the toilet afterwards! Can you imagine! And he left water drops on the sink! That could ruin the marble! Oh, Roshi, why can't anyone around here keep things neat and tidy? Oolong even left a towel on the floor, after he took a shower, a damp towel!"

"Candy, calm down!" Roshi consoled her. "I'll speak to him about it."

"Would you, Roshi? It would make me so happy knowing that everyone would work to keep this house spic-and-span!" Candy kissed him on the tip of his nose, and she left Roshi's bedroom to go clean the bathrooms once more."

Roshi flopped down onto his bed and sighed, as he wistfully looked over at his oak nightstand. The top drawer was filled with boxes of condoms of various shapes, colors, and textures. And not one condom had been used since Candy's "arrival" into Roshi's life. Roshi sighed heavily; would he ever get to use any of those little rubber sheaths that he had bought at Sex Toys Story when they had a huge condom markdown sale (actually he had coerced Oolong to go and buy them for him because the old man was still permanently banned from the store)?

"Oh, Candy," he moaned under his breath. "You make me so happy, even though you are a bit of a clean freak with just a smidge of a jealous streak (hey, I made a rhyme!). I really like you; you're so much fun to be with. Why can't we just make love, Candy, why, why?"

Roshi sighed.

"I wonder if they make vibrators for men."


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Several hours later…

Kame House was clean and sparkling, even to Candy's extreme standards when Gohan came over with his fiancée, Videl, and Videl's famous father, Hercule Satan, in tow. Hercule had insisted on joining them under the pretense of helping to deliver the wedding invitations, but he was really with them to make sure that Gohan didn't do anything "inappropriate" with his "little girl". Actually Gohan and Videl had been waiting until their wedding night, but Hercule didn't fully believe it, even though Videl had told her father about a hundred times already.

Gohan had been carrying Hercule in the air with Videl flying along beside them. Hercule, crying and pleading, was clinging to Gohan, crying and pleading, "PLEASE DON'T DROP ME! I'M SCARED OF HEIGHTS! I DON'T WANT TO DIE! I STILL HAVE SO MUCH TO DO! I NEED TO MAKE A MOVIE OF MY LIFE, AND WRITE MY MEMOIRS, AND…."

"Daddy, please!" Videl begged. "Gohan has never dropped anyone! Calm down!"

Hercule didn't fully believe her, as he nearly strangled Gohan while clinging tightly to Gohan's neck with his arms. Hercule was sobbing into Gohan's neck, not even attempting to act like his puedo-brash-and-confident self. Both Videl and Gohan were extremely embarrassed by Hercule's babyish behavior.

I knew that we should have rented a skycar , Gohan thought to himself. The only car that Gohan had been able to afford to have was in the shop.

Finally, the trio landed on the sands of Roshi's island, and Hercule jumped off of Gohan and yelled at him, "You could have dropped me or killed me! You weren't even holding me tight enough…"

"Daddy, please…" Videl groaned. Gohan just sighed heavily.

"…And furthermore, I would like to say that-whoa, baby! Who is that?"

At that moment, a cheerful Candy Apple walked outside, dressed in nothing more than a skimpy white bikini that showed off her newly tanned skin. Hercule stared at her openly, and his prominent jaw dropped down to the middle of his chest. The "strongest man in the world" then wasted no time in scurrying over to the buxom Candy like a little boy rushing to buy the latest video game. He was panting and drooling by the time that he had reached her.

He dashed up right in front of her and heaved his chest, raising his head high. He walked a slow circle around Candy, who was now frowning and crossing her slender arms. He gave Candy a leer and an once-over that made the beauty cringe.

"Hello, beautiful!" he whistled. "Consider yourself fortunate to have been bestowed the honor of receiving the full attention of the strongest man in the world-me, Hercule Satan-the man who saved the world from Cell! And I am also the man who will save you from loneliness! Come to Daddy!"

Videl and Gohan fell over backwards into the sand. Candy continued to coolly appraise Hercule, as he began to brag more about his strength and muscle.

Finally, Candy spoke, just as Hercule was flexing his muscles, "Did you say that you were the one who saved the world from Cell, Cell the monster?"

"You've got it, baby!"

"That's not what I've been told," Candy told him icily. "According to my Roshi, someone named Son Gohan was the one to defeat Cell, and that you took the full credit for it."

Now it was Hercule's turn to fall over backwards in the sand. Gohan flushed and grinned at the same time. Gohan didn't particularly wish to be exposed and have the media invade his privacy, but he was glad to see that someone had openly confronted his future-father-in-law for the phony that he had been. Gohan had been more forgiving towards Hercule since Hercule had helped Gohan's father and Vegeta stop Majin Buu, but it was still very gratifying to see the so-called-world's-greatest-martial-artist get upbraided every now and then. He smiled to himself, waiting to see if Hercule would deny all that Candy said. He chuckled, having no intention of confirming Candy's accusations.

"Rumors, my dear," Hercule said, throwing my head back and laughing loudly. "People will do anything to get dirt on me! I was the one who defeated Cell, I was! I am the world's strongest man, and I'm going to prove it to you! Wouldn't you like to go out with a big, strong man such as myself?"

"No," Candy told him coolly.

Hercule was about to give up yet. He then raced over to a nearby palm tree, seized the middle of the tree's trunk with both hands and easily bent down the tree until the top of the tree was brushing against the sand.

"Now watch me, baby, break this tree into two." And with that, Hercule held down the tree with one hand and was about to chop the tree in half with one hand. But before Hercule could get a good hold of the tree, the palm tree sprang back from the ground and catapulted Hercule into the clear blue sky and towards the ocean.

"HELP ME!" Hercule screamed, as his body plunged into the body of the ocean with a giant splash! Hercule frantically flailed his muscular arms and struggled, waving and crying. Hercule was an expert martial artist, but a very poor swimmer, which was why he never went into water, if he could avoid it.

"C'mon, Gohan, let's go save my dad," Videl sighed, as she flew into the air. Gohan joined her, and within ten minutes, Hercule was clinging to Gohan's neck. Gohan abruptly dropped his future-father-in-law onto his feet in the sand. Without thanking Gohan or Videl, Hercule promptly ran back over to Candy, threw his head back and laughed.

"Hahaha, just caught in an undertow, that's all, yeah, that's it. That's why I had such a hard time swimming earlier, my dear. Well, anyway, I'm going to go break that tree into two and prove to you that I am the strongest in the world!"

"Yeah," Gohan whispered to Videl, "as long as he stays out of the water." Videl snickered; she loved her father, but she was often embarrassed by his behavior.

Hercule once again paraded over to the palm tree and bent it down to the sand once more. He was going to prove his mighty strength to Candy once and for all. He held the tree's trunk down much more firmly this time, and he then he brought his hand down towards the trunk to chop it into two halves. He would have actually succeeded had not Candy suddenly threw herself at him, knocking him off of the tree. The poor palm tree swiftly flew back up into its proper position.

Candy abruptly leaped back up and seized Hercule by his collar. She held him up in the air by his collar, with Hercule trying not to cower and tremble. She stuck her pretty face into his.

"How dare you?" she screamed at Hercule. "You were about to damage a defenseless tree, and for what? To demonstrate how strong you are? You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Everywhere on this planet, people are trying to save as many trees as possible, and you are about to damage one, just to show off your so-called great strength! It served you right earlier when that tree catapulted you into the ocean! You don't impress me one bit, and I don't care what anyone else says about you, you are not the strongest in the world!"

"But-but, I am," Hercule protested feebly. "It was just a tree, but if you insist, I-I won't touch it again!"

"Good!" Candy huffed, and then she threw his heavy body down into the sand. Hercule stood up bravely and dusted himself off. He threw his head back and laughed.

"Don't worry, my little tree-hugger, I'll find some other way to prove myself to you!" And with that, Hercule found a huge, sand-covered boulder on the edge of the island; Roshi had brought that boulder to the island years ago to sit on for girl-watching purposes.

Hercule promptly climbed upon the half-ton boulder and jumped up into the air. He yelled, "Geromino!" and dived towards the boulder with his hand held out in a karate chop. He intended to break up the boulder with one karate chop from his hand, but the wind suddenly grew stronger, and Hercule missed his mark. Instead, Hercule's body shifted in mid-air, and it was Hercule's head that crashed into the boulder instead of his hand!

But Hercule did manage to break up the boulder, as the boulder crumbled into thousands of pieces; it was one of the few times in his life that Hercule actually used his head.

The world's "strongest man" swiftly leapt out, rubbing his throbbing head. Even though his head felt like it had been smashed with a hammer, Hercule made his assault on the rock seem like child's play. He threw his head back and laughed.

"Hahahaha! See, babe, that was what I call using my head! Now, what do you think of me? Babe…babe…where did you go?"

He looked around the island, but he could not find Candy anywhere-or even Gohan or Videl.
"Babe? Gohan? Videl? Where did you guys go?" Hercule called.

No reply.

"Anyone?"

Still no reply.


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Inside Kame House…

"So Hercule tried to make a pass at you, eh?" Roshi asked Candy, as Candy served him a tall glass of freshly squeezed lemonade (Candy refused to make the concentrated or powdered-drink kind; only homemade lemonade was good enough for her.)

"That he did!" Candy huffed indignantly, tying a huge napkin around Roshi's neck since Roshi was a messy eater. "Can you believe the nerve, Roshi? And he was actually going to break that poor palm tree in half just to show me how strong he thought he was."

"My palm tree!" Roshi exclaimed. "I paid good money to have that tree transported here!"

"Well, the tree might be safe, but I doubt that your boulder is still standing, Master Roshi," Gohan told him. "Last time I saw Hercule, he was about to break up your boulder as well."

"Break up my boulder! Break up my girl-watching boulder!" Roshi exclaimed indignantly. "Where is he now?"

"Girl-watching boulder!" Candy snapped. "Are you watching other girls still?"

Roshi laughed, knowing that he was going to have to save himself quickly. "Why that was before, Candy. The only girl that I'm interested in watching these days is you." Candy's stormy mood faded away quickly, and her smile returned.

Gohan grinned, whispering to Videl, "Smooth move on his part." He then pulled out some cream-colored envelopes from his pocket. "Listen, Master Roshi, you know that Videl and I going to get married soon, right?"

"Yes, I do!" Roshi exclaimed, as he took a quick peek at Videl. "And you are a very lucky young man, I might add too."

"Well, anyway, we would like to know, if you and Candy and everyone else here would like to come to our wedding," Gohan told him, handing Roshi the stack of envelopes.

Roshi handed one to Candy with her name on it, and Candy tore it open and squealed with delight, "I just love weddings, thank you! I can't wait! Thank you for inviting me! I'm going to go upstairs right now and see if there's anything suitable for me to wear! It is a formal wedding, isn't it?"

"Semi-formal," Gohan told her. "Just family and friends. And the wedding is six months away, Candy, so there's plenty of time to pick something out."

"Well, I'm going to go look anyway, just in case, if you and Videl don't mind excusing me for a few moments."

"Sure, why not," Videl told her. "Go ahead."

Candy happily zipped out of the room, and Videl said that she needed to use the bathroom. Roshi pointed her in the direction of the bathroom, and Videl left to freshen herself up and do her other business. Roshi and Gohan were left alone.

"Hey, Gohan," Roshi began. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Umm…" Gohan stammered. "That depends."

"Have you and Videl…er…did the naughty yet?"

"Did the naughty?" Gohan asked, puzzled.

"You know," Roshi said with a wink. "Have sex."

"MASTER ROSHI!" Gohan exclaimed in shock.

"Just asking," Roshi said amiably.

"No, we haven't," Gohan said quickly. "Not that we haven't been tempted though, but we decided to wait until the wedding night." He really did not want to discuss his sex life, or lack thereof, with one of the most perverted men that he knew.

"Too bad," Roshi sighed. "I was hoping that you could have given me some advice on my sex life."

"Advice? On your sex life?" Gohan asked hesitantly. He didn't think that one of the most oversexed fighters on Earth would need to ask for sex advice from him, especially since he was still a virgin.

"Yes," Roshi told him. "You see, Gohan, Candy won't go to bed with me."

"Umm…" Gohan said nervously, trying to think of a tactful way to get out of this conversation.

"So what advice would a strapping young man such as yourself give me?"

Gohan laughed anxiously. "Well, Master Roshi, does she actually want to go to bed with you?"

"She says that she does, but she wants to wait. I've known her for a few months, Gohan, and I don't know if I can wait much longer."

"Well, you care for her, right?" Gohan asked, a bit more relaxed.

"Very much so. I like her. She's a bit of a clean freak and a mite jealous of any female that comes near me…that part flatters me actually…but now that I finally have a woman of my own, she won't sleep with me."

Gohan chuckled uneasily. "Well, Master Roshi, if you care about her, you'll want to take things slow. You don't have to go to bed with her right away to get close to her. Why don't you hold off for a while? Take things slow, romance her, court her, and treat her like a lady. If it's meant to happen, Master Roshi, it will. Most girls don't like it when someone pressures them to go to bed with them right away; I think that Candy just wants to get to know you better. Just be patient; that's the best advice I can give you, especially since that I…well, still have to get to that point myself."

Roshi sighed; he had wanted to bed Candy sooner, but he could see the wisdom in Gohan's advice. Reluctantly, he made the decision to wait until Candy was actually ready to sleep with him. "Thanks, Gohan, I'll remember that. I like her so much! I think that it could be…love." And then Roshi grinned sappily, as he stared off contentedly into space.

Gohan chuckled to himself. Master Roshi, of all people to have a girlfriend! He knew that his mother, Chichi, had pitied Candy at times and wondered what she could see in the old pervert. Gohan's father, Goku, of course thought that it was great that Roshi had found someone to love. And Goten thought that it was gross ("ugh, yucky!").

"Well, Master Roshi, will you and everyone else be coming?" Gohan asked.

"Sure! I'd be happy to see you wed! Maybe after your honeymoon, you could give an old man some tips on how to please a lady in bed, eh?" Roshi grinned, winking at Gohan.

For once in his life, the embarrassed Gohan would actually be grateful to Hercule, for at that moment, Hercule kicked open the front door of Kame House. He was carrying poor Umigame, plus three of Umigame's larger cousins who had come to visit him, on his back. Hercule was making a great show of carrying the four heavy turtles seem effortless, although his back was straining the entire time. Umigame was shaking his head in disbelief, and the other turtles were snickering, wondering how long Hercule could actually hold them up.

Candy came strolling down the stairs, now dressed in a lovely halter-style pale green dress. She looked at Hercule strangely, as he toted about his burden the best that he could.

"See how strong I am now, Candy?" Hercule boasted. "Look at what I'm doing!"

Candy sighed; some men just didn't know when to give up.

"Umm…Hercule," Roshi said. "You know that those turtles weigh at least two hundred pounds apiece, right?"

"Of course I do, why-wait, did you say TWO HUNDRED POUNDS? That means I'm carrying EIGHT HUNDRED POUNDS ON MY BACK?"

"He can multiply!" one of Umigame's cousins mocked.

"Nine hundred pounds actually," Umigame panted. "My cousin, Sachiko, is the heaviest out of all of us; she weighs at least three hundred."

"THREE HUNDRED?" Hercule cried, as the weight of the turtles started to become too much for him to bear. Finally, his legs gave way, and he collapsed under the weight of Umigame and his cousins. Two of the cousins groaned, and Sachiko belched. Umigame moaned, as he and Sachiko and the other two turtles slowly tried to crawl off of Hercule. Hercule loudly cried out, as the turtles crushed him further, trying to climb off of the ones below.

"C'mon, let's go help him," Roshi said reluctantly.

Roshi, Candy, and Gohan hurried over to lift the cumbersome animals off of the foolish Hercule. When Gohan had lifted Umigame safely off of Hercule, Hercule exhaled heavily, as he struggled to his feet. He stood up with his back sore, but laughing arrogantly.

"Hahahaha! See! I'm not hurt; I'm not! Those turtles were nothing! Why I could lift four more of them on my back, if I wanted to!" Hercule boasted.

The others looked him strangely with huge sweat drops on their faces. Hercule then suddenly collapsed and fell to his side. "Oh! My back!"

The sweat drops suddenly grew larger. Videl, who had just come back from the bathroom, put her face in her hands and sighed before coming to her father's aid. Hercule continued to moan and groan, as Candy hurriedly went for her first aid kit to retrieve a muscle relaxant for him. She didn't like Hercule much, well not at all actually, but a patient was a patient, no matter what.

The turtles, including Umigame, offered no help or sympathy; instead, they just chuckled and snickered amongst themselves. All of the Kame House occupants and guests were thankful that they didn't actually have to depend on Hercule to save the world.